Italian Humor

You know you’re Italian when…

• You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.
• You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can’t fit two cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.
• Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins
• You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.
• You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
• You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
• If someone in your family grows beyond 5’9″, it is presumed his Mother had an affair.
• There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
• You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.
• And you REALLY, REALLY know you’re Italian when:
• Your grandfather had a fig tree.
• You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.
• Christmas Eve . . . only fish.
• Your mom’s meatballs are the best.
•You’ve been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.
• Plastic on the furniture is normal.
• You know how to pronounce “manicotti” and “mozzarella.”
• You fight over whether it’s called “sauce” or “gravy.”
• You’ve called someone a “mamaluke.”
• And you understand “bada bing”

Q. What does FIAT stand for?
A. Frenzied Italian At Traffic-lights.

How to Impress an Italian Lady:
Wine her, dine her, hug her, support her, compliment her, suprise her, smile at her, hold her, romance her, laugh with her, shop with her, cuddle her, go to the end of the earth for her…
How to Impress an Italian Man:
Show up naked, Bring Beer.

Q. What’s an innuendo?
A. An Italian suppository.

An Italian man immigrates to the United States of America and moves in with some distant relatives in New Jersey. They tell him he should apply for citizenship and they will help him study for the test. They go over all the U.S. history from the Revolutionary war to present day.
Finally, he feels he has enough knowledge to pass the test so he sets an appointment.
He walks into the testing room and the agent giving the test thought he would have a bit of fun, so he said to the man “We have a very simple test for you today. If you can use three English words in one sentence, you will be granted citizenship! The words are green, pink and yellow.
The Italian man thought for several minutes and finally said “O.K., I think I can do that”
Than he said “I hearda the telephone go green, green, green, so I pink it uppa and I say yellow – who is this.”

Sunday dinner at Nonna’s

• The table was set with everyday dishes. It doesn’t matter if they don’t match. They’re clean; what more do you want?
• All the utensils go on the right side of the plate and the napkin goes on the left.
• A clean kitchen towel was put at Nonna’s & Papa’s plates because they won’t use napkins. Homemade wine and bottles of 7-UP are on the table.
• First course, Antipasto… Change plates.
• Second course, macaroni. All pasta was called macaroni… Change plates.
• Third course, roast beef, potatoes and vegetables… Change plates.
• THEN, and only then – NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL would you eat the salad drenched in homemade oil & vinegar dressing… Change plates.
• Next course, fruit & nuts – in the shell – on paper plates because you ran out of the real ones.
• Last was coffee with anisette espresso for Nonna, ‘American’ coffee for the rest – with hard cookies (biscotti) to dunk in the coffee.
• The kids would go out to play.
• The men would go lay down. They slept so soundly that you could do brain surgery on them without anesthesia.
• The women cleaned the kitchen.
• We got screamed at by Mom or Nonna, and half of the sentences were English, the other half Italian.

A Italian man walking along a New Jersey beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, “God, grant me one wish.” Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the God said, “Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish.” The man said, “Build a bridge to Italy, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”
God said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me.”
The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “God, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. Here is my wish: I would like to know how to make an Italian woman happy.
After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”

“The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you’re hungry again.”

Joey prepared a pasta dish for a dinner party he was giving. In his haste, however, he forgot to refrigerate the spaghetti sauce, and it sat on the counter all day. He was worried about spoilage, but it was too late to cook up another batch. He called the local Poison Control Center and voiced his concern. They advised Stumpy to boil the sauce again.
That night, the phone rang during dinner, and a guest volunteered to answer it. Joey’s face dropped as the guest called out, “It’s the Poison Control Center. They want to know how the spaghetti sauce turned out.”

An Italian man was having an affair with his neighbor. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the neighbor a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.
“But how will I let you know the baby is born?” she asked.
He replied, ” Just send me a postcard and write “spaghetti” on the back. I’ll take care of expenses.”
Not knowing what else to do, the neighbor took the money and flew to Italy.
Six months went by, and then one day the Italian man’s wife called him at the office and said, “Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don’t understand what it means.”
The Italian man said, “Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you.”
Later that evening the Italian man came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack.
Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked told the medic that she handed her husband a post card he received from Italy. The card said,
“Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti – Two with sausage and meatballs; two without.”

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience at a health seminar. “The material we call food that we put into our stomachs today is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.
Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Macaroni is fattening, Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.
But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it at one point in our lives. Can anyone here tell me what food produces the most long term damage to us even years after eating it?”
A 75-year-old Italian man in the front row stood up and said, “It’sa d’ Weddinga cake”